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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25698532">i wanna wait in vain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RuPaul's Drag Race RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Actress AU, Alternate Universe, F/F, Light Angst, Oneshot, Unrequited Love, kinda but it’s okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:07:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25698532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Have I ever lied to you?"</p><p>Brianna falters. Cocks her head like a confused puppy and feels her self righteous upset begin to wilt. "Well -"</p><p>"Have I?" Shea's looking straight at her, and <i>oh G-d,</i> there's nowhere to hide; she's backed against a metaphorical wall, ensnared like a fly in honey, subjected to a slow, sweet demise.</p><p>And <i>that's the thing:</i> Shea <i>hasn't</i> ever lied to her, not in recent memory or as far as she knows, but that doesn't <i>comfort</i> her, because Shea's this creature of integrity and light and <i>kindness,</i> and Brianna doesn't know where the line between those three traits is drawn, or if they're drawn at all, or if they've gotten blurred somehow by affection.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miz Cracker/Jujubee, Shea Couleé/Miz Cracker, Shea Couleé/Sasha Velour, but one sided (kinda)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i wanna wait in vain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wrote this in a feverish state on mobile at 3am last night</p><p>all stars 5 may be over but my love for its cast (and especially its top 3) is NOT. this is sort of a love letter to shea and how kind she was on as5, even if it seems cracker-centric lmao</p><p>this oneshot was unbeta'd !! any mistakes are my own</p><p>i'd really appreciate any concrit or comments, and if you want to chat more, my drag blog on tumblr is @ <a href="http://lemyanka.tumblr.com/">lemyanka</a> !!</p><p>i hope you enjoy! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Logically, Brianna knows that she's making this out to be a bigger issue than it actually is. <em>Logically,</em> she knows that people lash out when they're angry, or suspicious, or under mountains on mountains on <em>mountains'</em> worth of pressure - she's no different. Callous-tongued and heavy-handed at the worst of times, and scarcely much better at her best, Brianna herself has a habit of mangling her good intentions with unfortunate phrasing, coming off as snide or manipulative or just downright <em>cruel</em> -</p><p>But she never <em>means</em> it, she <em>swears,</em> and there's something a little disheartening about being seen as disingenuous and treated as such, as though she's wrong, <em>separate</em>, an <em>outsider</em> who doesn't know how to behave around other people.</p><p>And it isn't that she <em>meant</em> to damage Ongina's self esteem so terribly, and she's trying, albeit clumsily, to fix it - but Alexis' suspicion isn't making her feel any better about her attempts at smoothing ruffled feathers, particularly when she seems so determined to keep her hackles raised, and it's not like Brianna doesn't <em>know, </em>deep down, that Ongina's decision to take an extended break from acting is her fault. But then, she reminds herself, she hadn't meant to deal with <em>Aquaria</em> so badly at first either, and she <em>had</em> (though she's sorted that one, she <em>swears</em>), and maybe she'd meant to be like <em>that</em> to Asia, just a little bit, but… she's grown, hasn't she? <em>Hasn't she?</em></p><p>Sometimes, it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes, people don't <em>treat</em> her like it, and that's enough to plant another seed of doubt in an already flourishing field of insecurity, and then - and then -</p><p>It's this vicious cycle, is what it is. She stresses, then she opens her mouth and fucks things up, then people regard her with distaste as she makes paltry attempts to backtrack and fix what she's broken, and then she stresses <em>more</em>, and then - it never <em>ends</em>, falling in and out of favour with the tides, loved by a select few and distanced from by the rest.</p><p>She's <em>polarising,</em> if she's being perfectly honest about herself, and not in the way that drives real change, but in the way that leaves a dull, sour aftertaste in the back of your throat. Miss <em>Brianna Heller</em>, hiding behind 'Cracker' as if the shock value and plastic pink can hide the jagged edges and overthinking.</p><p>It gets tedious after a while, really. People grow tired of it, and then people move on, and with the exception of the minority that stick around long enough to see something worth the effort, Brianna forms shallow, temporary relationships. The acting business is an ever-shifting one, and as she moves from job to job, she's given fresh start after fresh start <em>anyway,</em> but most casts on her side of the industry tend to stay in touch long after their contracts terminate, and she… almost never does. It's her own fault, and she knows it is, for the walls and the loudness and the missteps, constantly sticking her foot in her mouth, but at least she has people like Bob and Monét and Jujubee -</p><p>And <em>Shea Couleé</em>, of all people. Indomitable, unshakeable, and optimistic enough to step in and defend Brianna during a particularly vicious standoff between her and Alexis that had started as a harmless disagreement over their script and had ballooned into something about Brianna's disingenuous, slimy nature, Shea has somehow become Brianna's greatest ally - and somehow, she's made a previously unbearable contract something <em>fun.</em></p><p>Brianna's used to a routine when working on set: she wakes up, gets ready, shoots whichever scenes they tell her to, wraps up, sits alone for a while, and goes to bed. She's never really <em>bonded</em> with her cast mates, never gone out to celebrate with them whenever a particularly taxing scene or film is complete, but it's sort of unavoidable, now, because Shea keeps <em>showing up at her hotel room door,</em> Jujubee occasionally by her side as an extra enticement, and telling her to come join them <em>out.</em> Out, it turns out, can be a restaurant, or a bar, or even a bowling alley, but wherever <em>out</em> is, it's a place they go <em>together.</em></p><p>At first, Brianna had tried to turn the offers down. Now, she knows that saying no to Shea isn't really an option, <em>especially</em> if Shea can smell weakness, can tell that you don't really <em>mean</em> what you're saying. Believe her, she's employed every trick in the book to get out of cast bonding nights, and Shea has picked them apart one by one - including Brianna's five minute monologue about how most of the cast probably dislikes her anyway because of what she's done to Ongina and because Alexis has probably turned everyone against her, since everyone <em>trusts</em> Alexis, to which Shea had replied that everyone trusts <em>her,</em> too, and that she'll fix Brianna's reputation herself if she has to.</p><p>The most infuriating part is that she <em>has</em> - though India didn't help Alexis' initial case when she spread the rumour that Alexis had been trying for weeks to undermine Shea's position as a powerhouse in the acting industry - even if Alexis still regards her with some thinly veiled suspicion.</p><p>And maybe it started out as an obligation, but the thing is, Brianna <em>likes</em> Shea. She likes Jujubee, too, and has liked her (a lot. Maybe too much) for years and years now, and Jujubee likes Shea, so it's a trio Brianna's <em>safe</em> in, and now they've begun their habit of hanging out just <em>as</em> a trio, it's… nice. Really nice, actually, and it feels <em>normal,</em> like she's known them both for years despite Shea being a relatively new addition to her life.</p><p>Sometimes, though, Juju's busy, and then it's just Brianna and Shea, and Brianna had half expected, the first time Juju had bailed on them, that Shea would cancel altogether - but she <em>hadn't. </em>She still doesn't, in spite of Brianna's <em>moods</em> - the way the metaphorical clouds come down and the metaphorical heavens open.</p><p>… Like now. They're sprawled on either side of Shea's hotel bed, half watching <em>The Devil Wears Prada,</em> and Brianna's so stuck in her own head that she's <em>miserable</em> despite the company.</p><p>Shea tilts her head to look at her after one too many forlorn, theatrical sighs. "Why the long face?"</p><p>"Alexis was right," Brianna says, dull and defeated. Shea's quiet for a moment, smacking one open palm against her fist.</p><p>"Yeah, maybe," she acquiesces, easy as ever, "but that doesn't mean you can't grow and change from who you <em>were</em> when you did that. Alexis has been in this industry for a <em>long</em> time - she knows when people need calling out, and she never does it from a place of <em>just</em> spite."</p><p>"She probably hates me, though."</p><p>"No, I don't think so. Alexis is one of the nicest people I know, deep down - it just takes time to break down her walls, you know? She kind of reminds me of someone." Shea gives her a <em>look,</em> and Brianna smiles weakly, though it's pitifully fleeting. "If you're... <em>sincere</em> about your growth, she'll see it. You have all the power here."</p><p>It's a testament to how fucked up she is in the head, Brianna knows, that she feels this white hot flash of <em>anger</em>, if only for a moment, at Shea's words, an indignant objection to rationality.</p><p>Because it <em>is</em> rational, Shea's standpoint. It always comes back to this: to logic, to reasoning, and to how Brianna so adamantly seems to miss the mark when it counts the most. <em>Alexis is Shea's friend,</em> her mind points out, <em>and Shea's yours. Why would Alexis insult you to Shea's face?</em></p><p><em>She's done it to mine,</em> she retorts. <em>In front of Shea, too. Shea's not special.</em></p><p>It <em>should</em> soothe her, but it doesn't. Brianna tries to swallow her frustrations, but she's like a lidded pan left on high heat for too long - simmering, bubbling, then boiling over.</p><p>"You don't <em>know</em> that," she insists, a little sour, and curls her hands until she's white-knuckled and trembling just a touch, "<em>especially</em> since Ongina went and <em>left</em> after what I said to her. You don't have to say things just to try and delude me into thinking everything's fine."</p><p>Shea blinks at her coolly - and then Brianna starts to consider that maybe, in her moment of irritation, she might have fucked up <em>again,</em> and that maybe, just <em>maybe,</em> Shea has finally decided that she's a lost cause -</p><p>"Have I ever lied to you?"</p><p>Brianna falters. Cocks her head like a confused puppy and feels her self righteous upset begin to wilt. "Well -"</p><p>"Have I?" Shea's looking straight at her, and <em>oh G-d,</em> there's nowhere to hide; she's backed against a metaphorical wall, ensnared like a fly in honey, subjected to a slow, sweet demise.</p><p>And <em>that's the thing:</em> Shea <em>hasn't</em> ever lied to her, not in recent memory or as far as she knows, but that doesn't <em>comfort</em> her, because Shea's this creature of integrity and light and <em>kindness</em>, and Brianna doesn't know where the line between those three traits is drawn, or if they're drawn at all, or if they've gotten blurred somehow by affection.</p><p>… But then she remembers Shea's adamant silences whenever she saw another friend make a bad decision and they looked towards her for reassurance - or the speed with which Shea has always dropped her own work to fix someone else's issues. Shea's <em>honest</em> — maybe sometimes even to her own detriment, so determined to being just and fair that others could easily take advantage of her. She wouldn't lie. She wouldn't.</p><p>Right?</p><p>"... No," Brianna admits after several long moments of silence, and she can't quite meet Shea's gaze any more.</p><p>"You apologised to Ongina, right? And she forgave you?" Brianna nods miserably. "Juju said she spoke to her and she's doing okay, so you don't have to worry about her stewing in her own depression about taking a break or anything. That's what matters, right? And if you really want to rebuild bridges with Alexis, <em>talk</em> to her. Don't over-analyse or go in with a script - just meet her one on one and tell her how you feel."</p><p>There's a familiar flash of anger. "I just think you need to acknowledge that it's not always that simple."</p><p>Shea's not fazed. "And I think <em>you</em> need to <em>cracknowledge</em> that on this occasion, it is."</p><p>There's a pause. The cogs in Brianna's head turn, uncharacteristically slow in their rate of process, and then the ridiculousness of the situation finally catches up to her.</p><p>"Was that a <em>Cracker pun?"</em> The words come out as a delighted <em>scream</em> - Shea looks understandably proud of herself. Brianna can't blame her. <em>She's </em>proud of Shea for that one.</p><p>"I'm just saying," Shea continues, touching Brianna's bare shoulder. "Think about it, talk to her, and if you need me to say anything or just to be there, I've got your back."</p><p>She leaves to get a drink, and Brianna's skin is colder in her absence.</p>
<hr/><p>Brianna can still recall the night she fell in love with Shea. She'd been worked down to the bone, so tired that by the time the director called "<em>that's a wrap!",</em> she'd been asleep on her feet, and she'd wandered off set like a zombie. Shea had been hovering in the corner a few feet away, though Brianna hadn't noticed her through the fog of exhaustion, and then she'd been cornered by the director.</p><p>She can't recall exactly <em>quite</em> what he'd said, but the tone still lingers, something sharp and venomous, and his mouth had been open around the beginning of a rant, when -</p><p>"<em>I don't remember her asking,"</em> Shea had retorted, cutting through the birth of his tirade - and that had been it. Brianna had looked at her as though she was an angel on Earth, and then Shea had ushered her away back to her hotel room, and then she'd slept for thirteen hours straight.</p><p>Neither of them have mentioned it since. But that's the sort of thing that Shea <em>does:</em> speak up for people without voices.</p><p>It always leaves Brianna with a strange sense of longing. For a kindness she's never quite been able to emulate; for that gentle place to land, and rest, and better herself.</p>
<hr/><p>Shea finds her in the middle of another rut one evening. She knocks on her hotel door, pokes her head in, and then makes herself at home once she sees Brianna sprawled out on the floor, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>… Maybe it's a little bit dramatic, but she <em>is</em> dramatic, and after a few minutes of silence, she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and sits on the bean bag opposite the one Shea has taken for herself.</p><p>Brianna clears her throat. "Do you ever…" she pauses, uncertain of how to proceed. "... fall in love with… the wrong people?"</p><p>Shea furrows her brow. "Wrong as in…? Bad to you? Has someone been -"</p><p>"No! No, not at all."</p><p>"- good, 'cause I'd kill them," Shea says solemnly, and though her mouth is smiling, there's something oddly serious in her eyes that Brianna can't quite meet, cowed by its intensity.</p><p>"I mean 'bad' as in unavailable, whether because they're <em>taken,</em> or because they're too <em>good</em> for you -"</p><p>Shea cuts her off, reaching out to nudge her, gentle but firm, with one foot. "Nuh uh. That last one can't happen to you. We've been through this."</p><p>Brianna presses her palms into her cheeks, because this <em>isn't helping.</em> "I appreciate it, but I'm pretty sure it can," she quips, tone dry. "And that's okay, because it keeps me humble, and modesty is a virtue, or… something."</p><p>There's a moment of quiet, while Shea just <em>looks</em> at her, like she's trying to deduce something. Then, "Why, are you in love? Is there someone I should know about? Does <em>Juju</em> know?" She lights up, as though she's had an epiphany. "<em>Is</em> it Juju?"</p><p>"No! N- mm, <em>well…"</em></p><p>She'd be lying if she said <em>no,</em> because <em>really,</em> she's liked Juju for some time now, and she's come to terms with that - it's common knowledge that the two are joined at the hip, dancing around the <em>terms</em> 'dating' or 'more than friends' but not around the <em>actions.</em> Shea's been privy to it enough times to suspect something, sure, and they've never explicitly <em>denied </em>anything -</p><p>But what she feels for Juju is <em>one thing,</em> and what she feels for <em>Shea</em> is another entirely, mostly because Juju is comfortable and Shea is this intimidating <em>force,</em> so very nice but so very, very clearly <em>uninterested.</em></p><p>"You know that what Juju and I have is -"</p><p>"Unspecified?"</p><p>"<em>Unspecified,</em> exactly. It's not… labelled."</p><p>"Well, I heard <em>something</em> going on the other night, and I'm pretty sure <em>that</em> can be labelled -"</p><p>"Okay! Okay, moving <em>on."</em> Shea has the audacity to wink at her, fingers curled in her own hair.</p><p>"Uh huh. So, you like someone that <em>isn't </em>Juju. Does she know?"</p><p>Brianna nods. It's… <em>complex, </em>and explaining it isn't something she wants to attempt, but it's like this: Juju knows, and she understands, and she'd be lying if she tried to say that she hadn't thought about it <em>too, </em>and there was this weird, mutual agreement that either of them probably (definitely) <em>would,</em> if given the chance.</p><p>But there's no <em>chance</em> about it, because it's Shea, and Shea's had this weird, ongoing thing with Sasha for a while, even though they both say they aren't presently <em>monogamous.</em> Brianna's seen the way Shea looks at Sasha - and she sees none of that in Shea when she looks at her.</p><p>"I think I'm just going to smother it until it hopefully dies," she sighs. Shea nods, clearly unconvinced. "And if it doesn't, thennnn I'm fucked, but I'll be fine."</p><p>"Let me know how that goes," Shea says, tone something Brianna can't quite place, and it's so heavy that she has to make a joke just to steer the conversation someplace lighter for the rest of the night.</p>
<hr/><p>See, the thing is, nobody seems to understand her hesitation.</p><p>Bob seems to think she's being ridiculous - she told her as such over the phone, cutting off Brianna's lamentations about morals and how Shea's were so much <em>better.</em> Monét had looked at her with this air of great disappointment when she'd tried to tell <em>her,</em> for once in complete, unanimous agreement with Bob; and she's pretty sure most of her other friends would mock her relentlessly the minute they caught wind of her dilemma.</p><p>"It <em>is</em> a little tiring," Jujubee admits one day, when they're curled up on the couch together. "Well… not <em>tiring</em> - no, don't look at me like that, I'll cry - but I think you're making it out to be… a bigger issue than it actually is."</p><p>"Says <em>you!</em> You've not said anything either."</p><p>"No, but I'm also not complaining about it."</p><p>There isn't really much of a defence, there. Shea re-enters the room with another drink, and Brianna stops mentioning it after that.</p><p>"You two are <em>gross</em>," Shea says, wrinkling her nose in faux disgust. Jujubee turns to face her with puckered lips, making exaggerated kissing sounds in her direction.</p><p>"Aww, you jealous? Wanna join in?" she teases, just as Brianna says, "You can't say <em>anything</em>. Sasha? Are we really going to forget Sasha?" and then immediately regrets it, because Shea's whole demeanour changes just at the <em>mention.</em></p><p>Shea rolls her eyes, but Jujubee grabs at the air until she moves across the room to join them on the couch, effectively trapping Brianna in a Shujubee sandwich. Not that she's <em>complaining</em>, but it's a lot of intensity all very close, and she was overwhelmed <em>before</em>, and <em>now</em> she's - it's all just a <em>lot</em> of proximity. "For the sake of my moral high ground, yes," Shea insists. "Sasha? I don't know a <em>Sasha</em>."</p><p>"Oh, you <em>know</em> Sasha, alright."</p><p>Shea scoffs, setting a hand on her chest. "I'm claiming ignorance."</p><p>Jujubee opens her mouth to retort again, but Brianna cuts her off. "Okay! Okay, forget I mentioned her, <em>jeez,"</em> she huffs.</p><p>Shea and Juju just laugh.</p>
<hr/><p>Eventually, with no other options left, Brianna speaks to Sasha.</p><p>She's in the city at the same time they are, and whenever Sasha and Shea are in one location, they're bound to gravitate towards one another - it's a simple fact of life, a connection that seems to transcend the physical distance often put between them. Brianna's only seen Sasha away from Shea a few times, but even she has grasped the tangible difference: much as Shea is equal parts more tender and quicker to rise to any bait whenever Sasha's around, Sasha seems distinctly more approachable with Shea in the vicinity.</p><p>It's odd, the way they influence each other. Sasha keeps her hand on Shea's back when they're stood together, or over the back of her seat when they're sitting, and Brianna wouldn't have ever considered Shea <em>unusually </em>tactile, but she is with Sasha. They disappear together at the strangest moments, slipping away from the group without anybody noticing, and on occasions when they stick around, it's as though they're only doing it for the other.</p><p>And Shea's <em>eyes.</em> It only reinforces Brianna's prior beliefs - that something about Sasha is inexplicably, unexplainably special to Shea in a way that <em>she</em> never will be.</p><p>But she can't shake the <em>hope</em> - or delusion, perhaps, or the desire for some sort of <em>closure,</em> like she's some lovesick schoolgirl unable to get over a boy.</p><p>So she corners Sasha one evening, during a rare moment in which Shea isn't glued to her hip. "So," she says, approaching, "you and Shea?"</p><p>Sasha does this <em>thing,</em> then, where she sighs, but it's delicate, longer and softer than it has any right to be. "Shea and I," she agrees, like there's nothing more to be said about it, but Brianna refuses to be deterred.</p><p>"What <em>are</em> you, exactly?" she asks. Sasha gestures with one hand and makes an enigmatic, baseless sound, as though she has no more of an idea about how to categorise them than Brianna does.</p><p>"We're not exclusive, but we're committed. It's no more or less serious than either of us want it to be."</p><p>That answers absolutely <em>nothing,</em> but it… makes sense. "So you could see other people too, if you wanted?"</p><p>And then Sasha <em>looks</em> at her, but all Brianna can see is Shea - that same, indescribable intensity, albeit more impersonal than it is when it comes to Shea. "That's her prerogative," she says slowly, "but yes, if she wanted. You're better off asking her, though -" and now she's smiling, her voice a laugh. "I don't control her."</p>
<hr/><p>In the end, she doesn't ask her. Not <em>really.</em></p><p>But when the final scene wraps and they're all free to go, Brianna grabs hold of Juju and Shea, one on either side of her, and tells them both that she loves them with the same, emphatic weight.</p><p>Juju tears up, a little bit. Tightens her grip and says it back.</p><p>Shea looks at her for a long, long moment, expression unreadable.</p><p>Then, "Come on," she says, tugging them along, "we'll miss our flight."</p><p>And that's good enough, Brianna thinks, that they're leaving together. That's more than good enough.</p>
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